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Part I:
My mom has been in a battle against cancer for a good number of years now. It has since spread to multiple organs and is considered terminal. I never thought once in my life that I might have to deal with losing a parent but obviously its inevitable. I look sometimes at others who lived into their 80s or 90s and wish that could be my parents but I guess God has different plans than I do, than we do. I’m asking the same questions, ‘Why God…’ Its part of this life I realize, part of the curse on this world and sin. Still, when it hits close it hurts. I never wanted to experience the pain that SO many others have experienced, I’ve been blessed, we have been blessed not to experience anything major before, like a child dying or a car crash that takes the lives of family members. I think my rationalization is that many others have been through this and survived, its just that it seems to taint everything you look at, or do from then on. Likely its something you get used to and you live with..

Part II – Dec 16, 2009

Results are in, the lung tissues are cancerous, not much other news, no good news at all. She is awake only an hour each day now as she has a hard time breathing and not coughing, and she is on lots of medications, for infections, cough suppressing etc. We’re not sure how long still, I suppose its just a ‘keep on living until the cancer takes your life’. Pretty sad to think of a time without mom, obviously my dad is pretty sad though I don’t see it much being so far away. We’re heading to Ontario for a ‘family Christmas’  on saturday. Should be a great time and one I need to make sure to enjoy, remember and be fully part of.

Part III – Dec 22, 2009

Lindsey and I are in Ajax, I’ve been able to have short conversations with mom. She starts to cough easily after talking for a short time. She was doing really well this afternoon as I was working. She had a long conversation with Lindsey and played piano for a good time while Lindsey played violin. We were able to play a board game with her actually 2 nights ago that she fell asleep at the end of (there is a time lapse clip of that that I have). She has as much time as the Lord gives her now so every day

Part IV – Dec 27

We had a great Christmas, Mom wasn’t out too much with us because of all the smells from the baking and turkey and such that make her nauseous.  She did come out and played instruments and sang at the manning family Christmas thing though and that was great, have lots of video of all that. Shes in bed a lot of the time but is usually willing to talk any time she is awake and able to do so in short spurts. I was just really nice to have the whole family together again, one more time and hopefully again soon. I find occasions pass so quickly that I look back and think,.. ‘I wish i could have just relaxed a bit more and enjoyed it a bit more’. Not that I rushed through it but moments and times pass so quickly, time with family now is short as each has their own families, homes, places to be. This is life I have to remind myself. I guess in the old days families stayed together a bit more, son staying on the farm and taking over responsibilities from the dad, the parents living with the children as the children carry on the daily activities and responsibilities. Now we’re half way across the country. However, similar to the popular Lucy Maud from PEI, we travel around, live far away from our parents and are basically doing what all kids do… grow up, move out and start their own lives. Just a little sad that things have to end sooner or later, theres no stopping it.

Part V – Jan 5

No news is good news, we just go home from being in Ontario to see mom. She apparently as is well as can be since we left. Its nice being around family and its nice to be home (in our home) too. I’m glad I got to spend the time I did with her and my dad. I’m hoping they’ll be able to come here as well in the summer, hoping mom will be able to see our baby. The Lords Will be done.

Part VI Jan 13

My mom got thrush or something, an infection in the mouth that makes it near impossible to speak. They also think there might have been a stroke there that set her speech back a bit. So last I talked to her, on sunday, she just made sounds so I could hear. She isn’t getting any better now really, just hanging on really. Luckily my brother and sister are there on weekends to help and stuff. Its hard, and yet, I suppose I’m going to have to deal with losing friends, and family for the rest of my life as I’m ‘that’ age where you start seeing people that you’re close to with issues.

Part VII Jan 25

My mom passed away thursday morning and we flew back to Ajax. Spent a busy 3 / 4 days  getting ready for the viewing, the funeral and internment.

Part VIII Nov 9th

The above was written of course during the short period of a couple months when we found out mom didn’t have much longer to live (spelling errors and all). I’m reading the above and remember all the moments, ones that have passed by, that will never return. Moments never return, only new moments come. Now that I’ve experienced  death close to me, I get its depth, the hole that it leaves in ones life. A person can not be replaced once removed from ones life. You exist with a little slice of your being missing, a little bit of what made you who you are gone. Life is brevity, brevity is life. (on this earth). Thank the Lord that the hope that is within us is everlasting life with Jesus and to be able to see others saved there. Now how much more will I miss those who aren’t saved! I can’t imagine having unsaved family members, thankfully everyone I can think of close is saved.

Mom got to see the ultra sound of Arden, I’m glad she got a glimpse of the new life which is as some say, immortality for our family in itself. Another generation continuing on. Sad that Arden will never know personally my mom and sad that my mom won’t get to meet Arden but thankfully we’ve got lots of pictures and video to show her as she gets older!

I don’t post this to depress anyone, really its kinda like a digital headstone, so my memory continues on and can be experienced by others, some take consolation in it, others hope it never happens to them (and I hope that too but it will happen one day), and others just glance at it and decide not to read something that might get them down. Thats cool, if you read it, its for you, if you don’t, it wasn’t intended for you. Its simply written to be read.

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4 thoughts on “Losing my mom

  1. Hey Micah. Thanks for sharing, your mom was a great influence on everyone she met. It was hard to see her go through this, although I only saw her a few times during her last little while on earth. It is comforting to know she is in the presence of Jesus right now. And it is also good to remember the legacy she left.

    Be blessed and be strong brother
    Jamie

  2. Hi Micah, Your blog really touched me. I’m so sorry. I’ve tried to prepare myself as my parents age for the inevitable but everyone that i’ve ever heard talk about it say that it’s just not the same when your mom dies. My mother-in-law said it made her feel totally disconnected like the umbilical chord was cut for good. I love my mom – she really is an awesome woman and I really appreciate it when people honor their moms like you do. It says a lot about who she was I believe and she must have been very wonderful. It saddens me that she died from cancer too as that hits very close to home for me with Aaron. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and feel the sting of it as time moves on. I know what it’s like to lose someone precious and the ache still comes back. Like you said these are all things that are a part of this life…I have thought the same things you have and also asked God these questions. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand any of it but I’m so glad He is with me through all life’s joys and pains.
    Your family is beautiful and I’m so happy you and Lindsey and Arden are building such a precious life together!
    Many Blessings and I hope as this Christmas season approaches that the Lord gives you lots of peace and surrounds you with his love.

  3. I think my rationalization is that many others have been through this and survived, its just that it seems to taint everything you look at, or do from then on.
    I feel exactly the same way. Losing mom casts a shadow over everything. Usually, you can ignore it, other times you’re forced to think about it. I suppose a family and a person can only go so long in this life before realizing this world could never be our real home.

  4. There is some kind of comfort realizing almost EVERYONE else has lost someone close and lots more people have much more suffering and such and worse stories than this. Still though, at the same time its as if noone else knows what it feels like.

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